It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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