420 ftw
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
