you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
