"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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