My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
