I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
