Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
