oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
