we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
