Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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