I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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