bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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