you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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