please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
