I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
