Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
