I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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