dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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