Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
