I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
