I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
