I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
