Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
