Someone shit on the floor
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
