When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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