I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
