just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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