.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
