The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
