you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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