I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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