I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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