I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
