Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
