soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
