woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
