when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
