Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
