I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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