if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize