this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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