Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
