Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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