i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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