If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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