if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
