You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
