I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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