tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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