So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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