my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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