if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize