Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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