first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well I just put wine in my tea
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
