No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
