Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
