P.S. I can't hear my feet
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
