I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize