Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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