You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
