No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
