Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
